Oh look at that. I've been impaled.

For some unknown reason; I decided I wanted to end each blog post with a fun little send off. For example; See you later Alligator, Bye, bye Buffalos, After while Crocodiles. I like to say things like that in real life so I felt like it would make it a little bit more personal. Well that was all well and good, until I had the 'brilliant' idea to have them be in alphabetical order. And by alphabetical order I mean the second part; alligator, buffalo, crocodile, dinosaur, etc. It doesn't have to make sense.

My blog.

My rules.

YOLO.

While I was thinking about all the different sayings I remembered that a friend of mine would have something like a competition with me. I would say one and he would say one back. So of course I looked up a bunch of them so I'd have new ones to respond with. Normal people do that right? Anyway one night after we had a "good-bye off" he sent me a massive message on Facebook filled with those little sayings. I thought it was really sweet. (Shall I remind y'all of the crush post? He was nice to me. Boom. Crush.) Well long story short; we became good friends, eventually started dating, then we broke up. Well; he broke up with me.

I can't speak for him. I don't know how he was feeling, what he was thinking, basically; his side of the story. I can't know that and I don't think I ever will (which infuriates me so much! I have to know why, all. the. time. That's how things make sense to me.) It was my first 'real' relationship. And being the socially awkward thing that I am; had no idea how to react to a break-up. My friends where telling me I had to be outraged. That I should curse his name and never speak to him again. But I just couldn't do it. He was still my friend and I couldn't bring myself to be mad. He and I were still hanging out and I had hoped we would become good friends again. Unfortunately I don't think that's going to happen. Which is incredibly upsetting for me.

And this is the part where you go "Oh sweetie, why would you do that?" I wanted to find that massive message. To find that message I had to go through so many messages we shared between each other. I tried really hard not to read some of them, but like an idiot, I would glance at one or two. And it hurt. It hurt me more than I thought it would. Much more than it should. How did this end so badly? I missed the friendship we had. I missed him. This huge wave of emotions overtook me and slammed me into a wall, repeatedly. I just kept thinking “Don’t think about it. It’ll be over soon. Hold it together for a bit longer. Just don’t think about it. You'll be okay."

All this time I've spent a lot of time and energy avoiding my feelings. Of course like any one who isn't over somebody I constantly bring him up. Then people would tell me how I should feel. If I didn't agree with their opinion I would essentially shut down and not feel anything or continue with that current emotional state.  More than anything I wanted people to think that I had it together. That I didn't care about him or what he was doing hanging out with whats-her-face. But the only reason I felt like I had my life together was because it wasn't really a life. I was living it safe. I worked, went home, hung out with my family and sometimes friends. There wasn't any chance to do something rebellious. To do something out of my danger zone. There was no chance for me to become uncomfortable or emotionally compromised. If I was feeling anything I would bottle it up. Then one day I would have a break down. You could find me sobbing into the floor of my bedroom, confused by all these feelings that exploded at once and feeling lonelier than I ever imagined I could feel.

This certainly isn't a healthy way to deal with emotions and it certainly isn't how I want to live my life. I'm admitting that I'm not able to handle my emotions as well as I thought I could. I've decided I would much rather live life to the fullest point and not bottle up all my emotions. I want to cry when I feel like crying and scream when I feel like screaming. If I feel like I need to punch something, I might just find someone who would be willing to let me punch their arm (trust me; they would not be hurt by this) or have them hold up something for me to punch.

Living life is messy and uncomfortable at times but I'd much rather be a little uncomfortable and a mess for a little while than to be living a lie. I don't have it together. This one quote I really like; "I am flawed and I am human and I am broken and I am trying." Just being able to pick myself off the ground and go out into the world is an accomplishment some days. And I know I wouldn't be where I am now without all my amazing, fantastic, wonderful friends. I need to thank them for listening to me so much even when I got a little on the obnoxious side. And just being there for me was amazing and I truly appreciate you all. Words cannot describe how grateful I am to have you in my life. My life would suck without you! So thank you so much. And know that I’m going to be okay. Not today, maybe not tomorrow, but I will be okay. I’m going to attempt some rebellion soon which I will be very happy to share with you.

Don't panic, flight mechanic!

Words, words, words

If you haven't noticed by now.  I like words. I like how they sound. I like how they look. I like how you can take 6 letters throw them together and make a word. One of the blogs I follow how a feature called Wordless Wednesdays. They just post a picture and let the picture do the talking.
I can't do that.
So I've come up with Wordy Wednesdays. I collect quotes from all over the internet and I'm going to share them with you. Usually they're words of wisdom and sometimes they are just things to make me feel better about certain situation. So without further adieu; here's my Wonderfully Wordy Wednesday!

 

 

Chew your food, Gertrude!
(Some of these are downright ridiculous, but I love them)

 

 



This is my thought process. Good Luck.

I read a lot of blogs. I like getting to know the bloggers and their passions. I enjoy knowing that they're having a wonderful life and if they're not; they still power through. The whole 'blogging community' that I've read so much about is so fascinating to me. And now that I have a little blog all my own I've been thinking about how I want mine to be. Do I want to share this? Share about that? Is this even blog worthy? How do I get a really cool header like everyone else?

Most of the blogs I do read are generally really focused on one or two topics. They focus on these topics and then occasionally they'll bring up a side topic. Some are all over the board; "Look at this!" "Look at that!" "Look at those!" Sometimes it's nice to have that focus of having a "insert topic here" blog, but I don't think I have that focus in my life yet. I don't think I've ever had focus for one thing for very long actually. I like to find something, lets say a hobby, then I devote my entire life and being to said hobby. I spend my time looking for new supplies and inspiration for the hobby that I sometimes run out of time to actually do the hobby.

Lets bring up my sewing experience. Last year I made a few stuffed animals. I ended up making two stuffed animals with patterns and few were made 'freestyle' i.e. no patterns used. After making some of them I thought it would be fun to start selling them. I imagined a cute little booth at a craft fair filled with adorable little faces. I then started looking up how to even sell things at craft fair and the best way to create profit, generate a following, etc. I was so wrapped up in what could be and the future end result that I stopped making the stuffed animals. That's what happens every time. I get so caught up in how I want everything to 'end' essentially that I end all the projects. I get so overwhelmed trying to map out my path that I get lost on the path. (I've also noticed that I speak in metaphors. Thanks blog.)

I would like to start sewing again. I liked the process of making something out of nothing essentially. I also have a bunch of other crafting stuff that I'd like to get caught back up on. Life sorta got in the way but now I think I should be able to get everyhing started again. Now this timearound I won't be able to guarantee getting caught up in the 'what could be'. It's good motivation for me to actually do things some days. But now that I've called myself out; maybe I can talk myself down and stay focused in the now. I've got to enjoy the moments while I'm in them. Otherwise I'll just be a bitter old woman looking back on my life saying "I wish I had known how happy I actually was back then."
(Wow, that escalated quickly. See? I fixate on the end result in everything! Ha! Anyway! Back to the original topic.)

Long story short: It's easy to get caught up in the future, but I wont' have that future unless I work towards it now. So I have to stay focused and remind myself that I'm here in the present. I'll reach that future eventually but not without a little effort now. I still don't know what this blog will 'be' but I think right now I like the rambling topics. Its nice to get these thoughts out of my head.

Bye, bye, French Fries!

What are we waiting for?

I almost cried the first time I really listened* to this song.

I have no idea why. Was it just that good that I was brought to tears? Or did it coincide with something happening in that point of my life? Not sure anymore. I unintentionally named this blog after that song. It wasn't until after I read the "congrats; you've got a blog now" sign that I realized this song is still a part of my life. Actually, this is going to be one of those songs that I will remember every word for life.



When Some Nights was released, this song became my anthem. I've even considered getting Some Nights as a tattoo with two little stars. Because I'm a nerd like that. I would sing it everywhere and I added "have a voice like Nate Ruess/be Nate Ruess" to my list of standards for dating. To be clear; I'm still single. Clearly. Either! way; I loved it BEFORE it was everywhere and now that it's hype has faded away I still love it just the same.

So what do you guys think? Should I make Musical Mondays a thing? It would make this blog make a little more sense maybe? You can pick and choose what you want me to ramble about!

Out the door, Dinosaurs!

(*By really listened I mean when you sit there and try to understand exactly every word they're saying to which you give up and search for the lyrics online.)

 



Crushed

"I think crushes are great, you know. They make the world go 'round; because otherwise you know, Taylor Swift would like, not have a career." – Alice Wetterlund from MTV's Girl Code.

Scarily accurate on how easy I get crushes. I can feel them creeping up on me too. It's a snowball effect time and time again. It all starts with one little snowflake. The guy will smile at me, or acknowledge my existence. It doesn't take much. At all. I could pretty much "like-like" someone if they're nice to me.
Then next thing I know I'm wishing I could see him. And then seeing him just makes my day. I make up conversations that we could potentially have. Then when I do get a chance to talk to him; all eloquence goes out the window. In my mind I'm super fly (I'll never say that again, promise) but he shows up and I can't  function like a normal human being should. I.e. dropping things, saying stupid things (word vomit), blushing like an idiot. I am guilty of all these things. This is that moment when that snowflake joins all his buddies and turns into a giant snow boulder and chases some poor innocent snowboarder down a dangerous mountain filled with trees. (If you can't tell; I've only had 4 hours of sleep last night.)

But am I ashamed of myself? No. These are typical human emotions. And to know that all girls experience these feelings, at all stages of life (not just middle school), makes me feel a less socially awkward. I mean I'm socially awkward, don't get me wrong, that's still going on. But I've always imagined I could seduce someone with my awkwardness. Only they would call it 'quirky' or some other complimentary word to make me feel better about myself.

I'm a little rusty with the whole dating scene. It's been a while (to put it nicely) but I think I might be ready to go out again. I figured it wouldn't be so bad to go on a couple of dates. If anything I'll make a new friend out of it. Which would be great because all my friends keep leaving me to go off to college. (The jerks.) But I still love them all very much; and they all very much want me to visit when school starts. A couple friends have even said they could try to set me up with some guy at their school. Their intentions are well intended but they don't see the problem. (Why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who lives 3 hours away and I'll only get to physically see them two, maybe three, times a year at least? Apparently I'm not a very good romantic in that sense, but I'm really great at all other aspects of being a romantic.) I don't want to be set up on a date. I want it to happen naturally. I want him to see me from across the room and then feel compelled to come and talk to me. Or heck, I'll go across the room and start talking.

It's lame but I want a romantic comedy of a relationship with a happy ending. I want someone to like me for me. Accept that I'm not going to be very good at first person shooter games but (scary) good at Disney Scene-It. I'm not going to be able to kick a soccer ball/ throw a football/ hit a baseball/ shoot a basketball/ putt in golf/ do any of the sports well but if you ask nicely I will try to play. And don't get mad or weird-ed out at my uber-competitive-ness even though we both know I'm not going to win. Like ever. Maybe I'll win once or twice, which will give me an inflated ego and you'll pray that I lose next time so I'm more tolerable. I'm going to quote the movie we're watching, or comment through it, or ask twenty questions, or sing-a-long to the songs, or talk about the actors and what other movies they've been in. And I will feel bad about doing that; but I can't stop it. I've tried. I'm going to constantly want to cuddle/be in physical contact with them at all times, which is weird for me because I usually am very 'don't touch me' around people. I want them to sit with me on a blanket under the stars and let me point out constellations and share the stories behind them. I'm going to be covered up with a blanket when it's 90 degrees outside and sleep in pajama shorts in the winter.

But all kidding aside
I'm not planning on changing for them and I don't expect them to change for me. They're not perfect and neither am I. So I need to continually remind myself that when I do have a crush on someone; I can't put them up on this pedestal that's too far out of my reach. I can't keep telling myself there is no way they could ever like me and if they do they're deranged, abnormal, or a serial killer who needs someone so they look normal. (I live in constant fear that I'm going to meet a real life Dexter.) I need to stop creeping on them so much and actually start to talk to them like the normal person I like to pretend to be and show them little bits of my craziness(then when they actually start dating me I'll let all the crazy out. Poor, unfortunate soul.)

Basically; I'm thinking of taking my own advice and find guys that I could potentially hang out with. I'm not sure if it will go anywhere, but I'm at least going to try. That's all I can do. So I'm going to take this one day at a time and keep being my adorkable self.
P.S. Check out Girl Code. It's funny, cute, awesome, every joyful thing in the world. My opinion, and I'm not getting paid.

After while Crocodiles!

Fashionable Fridays?

Fashion. Oh fashion. What can I say about fashion?

My absolute favorite thing about fashion can be summed up in a quote from Pirates of the Caribbean actually. "The code is more what you'd call "guidelines" than actual rules." (I don't know why I think of this quote from Barbosa every time but it works.) Fashion rules really are more of a guideline. With that being said; I love clothes.
So.
Much.
And I haven't always been like this. For most of my childhood I never thought about fashion. It was never something I worried too much about. We would wear hand me downs, shop at the consignment store in town, and head straight towards the sales rack at any major store. And of course Mom was buying the clothes so she had to approve of them (and afford them). For the majority of my school years I wore nothing but graphic tees and jeans. And there is nothing wrong with graphic tees and jeans! At all. If that’s what you like then go for it. But after a while I started to get tired of the same old, same old and I didn’t feel like I was being entirely myself.

I'm still gradually building up my wardrobe and finding my 'style.' I am, however, leaning toward a certain style. For example; cardigans. I have so many cardigans, guys.
So.
Many.
I have outfits that I can pull together out of clothes that I already have. Let’s say I’m going to the movies with friends. I’m can wear a cardigan, tank top/shirt, shorts, and sandals. I have several different variations of this outfit. I also follow a lot of fashion blogs and I save outfits they put together and try to mimic them to the best of my abilities. I think I look good; I don't look like a slob by any means; but some days I do feel like an outfit is off or I’ll buy something then bring it home and have no idea how or when to wear it. Or worse, I think it will go exactly with this outfit I have put together in my head only to have my soul crushed when it doesn’t work. At all.

I'm starting to take how I look very seriously. I know what looks good on me and what doesn't. I'm beginning to accept me for me. I know that there are some things that will not look good on me and that’s okay. There are things that I’m going to want to wear but will not work for my body type. I'm looking at you backless dresses! I want to be fashionable but I also want to be logical.  What's the point of wearing one shirt for only one season? I'll forget about it before that season comes around again and then it won’t be ‘in style’ so I won’t want to wear it.

So next time I go shopping I’m going to think of how I can incorporate that item into all four seasons or at least three out of four seasons. This whole ‘building up my wardrobe’ is one of those could-be-expensive projects that I like to take on. I do suffer from "Fill-up-the-cart-itice." If I like something; I'm going to buy it. But I have plans my friends! I plan to learn from my momma and look straight back to the discount rack and hit up sales and such.  So hopefully this isn't a horrible catastrophe and I end up with things I like that won't break the bank or break my heart when they don't come in my size. And I'll eventually be able to describe my 'style' that I so desperately want to define.

Also! I’m thinking that some Fridays I might have a “Is this Fashion? Friday”. I’ll show an outfit that was a little off or has potential but I’m not sure where to take it from there. Or maybe I’ll just find some absurd designer dress and ponder how anyone could function in it. Anyway; it’s good to get some opinions from the outside world. It’s a thought. What do you think?

Bye bye Butterflies!

Don't you, forget about me!

I have heard the phrase "You're so nice," so many times in my life in so many different variations; you don't even know.

You.
Don't.
Even.
Know.

So when I told a friend of mine that I could be mean he laughed in my face.

Seriously.
Straight up laughed in my face.
Which made me sad.
We're not talking much anymore.
Which makes me sad.

Anyway they say a bit of rebellion is healthy once in a while, right? However I don't know how to be rebellious. Other than what they show on t.v. And movies. Does anyone else have aspirations to be as "Don't-give-a-%$@#" as Judd Nelson in the Breakfast Club? Just walk across a football field while the music is blared up and throw up your fist in a "Yeah take that football coaches. I walked across your field! How do you like me know?!" as the screen fades to the credits? No? Well that's just me then actually.

Long story short: In high school our football coaches were super douches. And that's putting it nicely.
Now whenever I walk across the football field; I dig my heel in a little deeper than I should and twist my foot into the dirt. I like to think that where ever they are; the coaches clutch their chest in pain or their football sense starts tingling.

Back to business: The fact that I want to be more rebellious just proves that I am in fact, not rebellious. I don't try new foods. I usually stay away from patterns with clothes. I avoid confrontation and certain people even. I know I need to break out of this routine I've put myself into. And by 'rebelling' I hope I can get to where I want to be. So I've decided I'm just going to wing it. Not put any thought into it at. all. Which is, in fact, very rebellious for me. And I'm serious about this too. I wrote a list about the topics for this post if that can tell you anything.

Crap, I'm thinking about how I'm going to wing it!
.....Still thinking...
Dang it!
May haps my thinking about my not thinking of rebellion is in fact a rebellion?

Guh. I think I just shorted out my brain.

So for me, and yourselves; go out and cause some 'mayhem'. Whatever is rebellious for you, do it. Slightly twist your foot on the football field. Listen to your music a little too loud. Step on that crack and potentially break your mother's back. Don't eat an apple for a day and meet a hot doctor, or The Doctor (give yourself a high five if you understand this reference). The possibilities are endless for some good healthy revolution of rebellion! (Just don't do anything illegal or stupid okay? I don't want to be sued for encouraging you guys to break free.)

*throws fist up*

See you later; alligators!

Welcome

Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck.  Some nights I call it a draw.  Some nights I wish that my lips could build a castle.  Some nights I wish they'd just fall off.  But I still wake up, I still see your ghost, Oh, Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for.  What do I stand for?  What do I stand for?  Most nights I don't know anymore.  -Some Nights by Fun.

Hello sweeties. My name is Diana.

Lets get straight to the point.

I'm going through what I'm going to call a "quarter life crisis."  I don't know what I'm doing with my life or how to move on from this point. I've lost my 'footing' and for me, who lives by lists and plans, it's killing me from the inside. (Honestly I had my life planned out since third grade. Weird, right?)

Even though, sometimes it feels like I need a checklist to get me through everyday, I've never been able to keep a diary or a journal. Which is weird right? From what I gather, journals are written sections of what went on in your day to day life. Basically a checklist with details.  The longest I've ever kept a journal is a month. And I was proud of that month too! After reminiscing and flipping through the pages I realized, I'm very boring. Every day was "I woke up, went to work, came home, slept, then woke up the next day." Not very inspiring to keep something like that. So this whole thing is about me breaking out of that boring routine and trying to shake things up a bit. Possibly even vent/rant/rave about something new in life.

Now since I'm trying to find my footing, shake things up, and move on in life I think it's time that I continue to try new things. I'm not going to promise a post every day, but definitely (possibly) once a week. I plan on posting how I'm feeling or what I'm doing. Maybe even things I'm interested in or things I want to do.

Either way it's going to be wonderful and potentially awkward and I hope you stay with me and enjoy the time!

-Diana