Scarily accurate on how easy I get crushes. I can feel them creeping up on me too. It's a snowball effect time and time again. It all starts with one little snowflake. The guy will smile at me, or acknowledge my existence. It doesn't take much. At all. I could pretty much "like-like" someone if they're nice to me.
Then next thing I know I'm wishing I could see him. And then seeing him just makes my day. I make up conversations that we could potentially have. Then when I do get a chance to talk to him; all eloquence goes out the window. In my mind I'm super fly (I'll never say that again, promise) but he shows up and I can't function like a normal human being should. I.e. dropping things, saying stupid things (word vomit), blushing like an idiot. I am guilty of all these things. This is that moment when that snowflake joins all his buddies and turns into a giant snow boulder and chases some poor innocent snowboarder down a dangerous mountain filled with trees. (If you can't tell; I've only had 4 hours of sleep last night.)
But am I ashamed of myself? No. These are typical human emotions. And to know that all girls experience these feelings, at all stages of life (not just middle school), makes me feel a less socially awkward. I mean I'm socially awkward, don't get me wrong, that's still going on. But I've always imagined I could seduce someone with my awkwardness. Only they would call it 'quirky' or some other complimentary word to make me feel better about myself.
I'm a little rusty with the whole dating scene. It's been a while (to put it nicely) but I think I might be ready to go out again. I figured it wouldn't be so bad to go on a couple of dates. If anything I'll make a new friend out of it. Which would be great because all my friends keep leaving me to go off to college. (The jerks.) But I still love them all very much; and they all very much want me to visit when school starts. A couple friends have even said they could try to set me up with some guy at their school. Their intentions are well intended but they don't see the problem. (Why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who lives 3 hours away and I'll only get to physically see them two, maybe three, times a year at least? Apparently I'm not a very good romantic in that sense, but I'm really great at all other aspects of being a romantic.) I don't want to be set up on a date. I want it to happen naturally. I want him to see me from across the room and then feel compelled to come and talk to me. Or heck, I'll go across the room and start talking.
It's lame but I want a romantic comedy of a relationship with a happy ending. I want someone to like me for me. Accept that I'm not going to be very good at first person shooter games but (scary) good at Disney Scene-It. I'm not going to be able to kick a soccer ball/ throw a football/ hit a baseball/ shoot a basketball/ putt in golf/ do any of the sports well but if you ask nicely I will try to play. And don't get mad or weird-ed out at my uber-competitive-ness even though we both know I'm not going to win. Like ever. Maybe I'll win once or twice, which will give me an inflated ego and you'll pray that I lose next time so I'm more tolerable. I'm going to quote the movie we're watching, or comment through it, or ask twenty questions, or sing-a-long to the songs, or talk about the actors and what other movies they've been in. And I will feel bad about doing that; but I can't stop it. I've tried. I'm going to constantly want to cuddle/be in physical contact with them at all times, which is weird for me because I usually am very 'don't touch me' around people. I want them to sit with me on a blanket under the stars and let me point out constellations and share the stories behind them. I'm going to be covered up with a blanket when it's 90 degrees outside and sleep in pajama shorts in the winter.
But all kidding aside
I'm not planning on changing for them and I don't expect them to change for me. They're not perfect and neither am I. So I need to continually remind myself that when I do have a crush on someone; I can't put them up on this pedestal that's too far out of my reach. I can't keep telling myself there is no way they could ever like me and if they do they're deranged, abnormal, or a serial killer who needs someone so they look normal. (I live in constant fear that I'm going to meet a real life Dexter.) I need to stop creeping on them so much and actually start to talk to them like the normal person I like to pretend to be and show them little bits of my craziness(then when they actually start dating me I'll let all the crazy out. Poor, unfortunate soul.)
Basically; I'm thinking of taking my own advice and find guys that I could potentially hang out with. I'm not sure if it will go anywhere, but I'm at least going to try. That's all I can do. So I'm going to take this one day at a time and keep being my adorkable self.
P.S. Check out Girl Code. It's funny, cute, awesome, every joyful thing in the world. My opinion, and I'm not getting paid.
After while Crocodiles!
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